Quenching your thirst in the 21st century apparently goes way beyond making sure you drink eight glasses of water every day.
I used up a lot of energy the other day trying to buy energy drinks.
What I wanted was something wet and tasty. I was thirsty. And tired. I felt dehydrated. I needed something to drink.
What I got wasn’t so much a drink as it was an “Advanced Electrolyte System.”
Quenching your thirst in the 21st century apparently goes way beyond making sure you drink eight glasses of water every day. And there are more dangers in drinking liquid energy than I thought, according to a warning printed on the label of a bottle of Powerade Zero.
“Attention! You are now in control of a zero calorie sports drink. Be advised you may be swarmed by fans who want to witness the power of electrolytes + B vitamins without the calories. Good luck with that.”
Marketing people at energy drink companies must get free products, because they seem to have a lot of energy.
They apparently use that energy picking names of their drinks and developing flavors. It used to be there was only one energy drink — Gatorade — and it came in only one variety. It was green. I don’t know if it even had a flavor back then. Now they call it lemon-lime.
But today you also have a lighter green Gatorade (lime) and a bunch of other colors. Blue is berry, but light purple is berry, too. And dark purple is grape. A darker blue is blueberry-pomegranate, and a lighter blue is some flavor called “Frost Glacier Freeze.” They also have red (fruit punch), pink (strawberry-kiwi), orange (orange), and clear (Ice Punch) Gatorade, all in bottles of at least five different sizes.
A drink called Glaceau Vitamin Water appeared to come in only one size, but it had a variety of colors and flavors and names. If I picked “Energy” I was getting a tropical citrus flavor.
If I chose “Focus” I got kiwi-strawberry. “Tranquility” was tamarind and pineapple. “XXX” was acai and blueberry and pomegranate. "Power C” was dragonfruit. “Revive” was fruit punch. “Multi-V” was lemonade.
And “Essential” was a combination, its label said, of “orange-orange.” Do I get more energy from two oranges?
Something called Sobe Lifewater had a similar naming and flavor system for its “vitamin enhanced water beverage” that just sounds mighty good for you but a little too cute. A flavor of blackberry and blueberry, for example, was called “Forti-Fight” while a Fuji apple-pear flavor was named “Lean Machine.”
Not that I wouldn’t want to be a lean machine, but I passed over the Lifewater.
I also turned thumbs down on bottles of Hy-Drive energy drink because I couldn’t pick from among the “Electrolyte Formula,” “Vitamin Formula,” “Strength Formula,” and “Antioxidant Formula.”
I couldn’t find a “Cheap Formula.”
So the energy drink I bought was Powerade, which was “Buy Two Eight-Packs, Get One Eight-Pack Free, With In-Store-Coupon.” Free energy makes a guy feel good.
Gary Brown writes for the Canton Repository in Canton, Ohio. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org